A Conservative’s Guide to Preparing for a Biden Presidency

From McSweeney’s: Register with Planned Parenthood. Every citizen will be required to obtain at least one abortion each year that Joe Biden is in office. If you are not already pregnant, Joe Biden will correct that some time in the coming months. Be patient. Transfer of power is complicated, and these things take time. The […]

The Extinction of the Deficit Hawk

Thinking today of all the animals we’ve lost to extinction. Especially the deficit hawk. pic.twitter.com/QEiIvyZdvi — Dave Levinthal (@davelevinthal) October 17, 2020 I hear John Hammond is planning on digging Ted Cruz out of some fossilized amber eventually and bringing this specifics back to life. Hope they mix in some of that frog DNA, too.

Unity

I just pushed my grandmother down the basement steps. My parents want to call the cops on me, but I don’t know how that would unify this family. — Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) January 10, 2021

Parler’s Progressive Web App

For the crowd that flies to outrage because they can’t fathom doing a quick Google search first: Quick transcript of the hilarious bit: MajorSalt: How do I use it for Parler? It asks for a captcha when logging in but the caption image doesn’t show up when using the PWA. ChynaBiden: 1. Not going to […]

I Won Thanksgiving!

From McSweeney’s: All LEGAL turkey consumed by midnight Thanksgiving or until both adults pass out should be counted. All ILLEGAL turkey consumed after Thanksgiving should not be counted. These are the rules. Turkey consumed during 3 a.m. snack attacks or later should be THROWN OUT. It’s that simple, folks. The leftover turkey sandwiches with the […]

Deploying Popes Strategically Over Large Distances

If god is omnipresent, and popes can directly communicate with god, and if god is willing to relay messages between popes, then by deploying popes strategically over large distances we can achieve faster than light communication via the holy spirit. In this paper, we will… — Sofia 🧹 (@typeswitch) November 17, 2020

Considerable Overlap

Quote by a forest ranger at Yosemite National Park on why it is hard to design the perfect garbage bin to keep bears from breaking into it: “There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.” — math prof (@mathematicsprof) November 14, 2020