I’m the Package You Impulse-Ordered Three Days Ago and No, I’m Not Going to Make You Feel Any Better

From McSweeney’s: It’s hard being a package. Sometimes we’re out in the cold for a really long time. Sometimes someone puts a bomb in us. Sometimes someone thinks there’s a bomb in us so 90 people in green suits show up and talk to each other on the phone for 11 hours only to discover …

I’m Your Child’s New Interlocking Block System and I’m Incompatible With Every Other Block They Own

From McSweeney’s: Congratulations, parents. I have come into your home as a birthday/Christmas/Daddy-hasn’t-been-around-in-a-while present. Consider it a blessing. I am your child’s newest interlocking block system, and I am not compatible with any other blocks they own. […] There are certain things one must know when owning me. My pieces only fit into each other …

Bye, Fry

If you had a computer we were working on you can pick it up in the dumpster behind whichever store you dropped it off at. — Fry’s Electronics (@fry_electronics) February 26, 2021

I Oppose the Democrats’ Plan to Lower Child Poverty. If Kids Want to Eat, They Should Work In Filthy Factories Like They Did in the Good Old Days.

From McSweeney’s: As a pro-family Republican Senator, I’m vehemently opposed to the Democrats’ plan to reform the Child Tax Credit and give families money every month to care for their children. Sure, on the surface it sounds good when they say things like, “This plan would cut the child poverty rate in half” and “Children …

I’m Being Censored, and You Can Read, Hear, and See Me Talk About It in the News, on the Radio, and on TV

From McSweeney’s: Hi there, thanks for reading this. I’m being censored. That’s why I’m writing a piece in a major publication that you are consuming easily and for free. Because I am being absolutely and completely muzzled. Also, I just went on a massively-watched TV show to let you know that my voice is being …