We Can’t Teach Our Nuclear Plant Operators About Critical Reactor Theory and Risk Them Learning About Radiation

From McSweeney’s:

As the chief engineer of this nuclear power plant, it is my responsibility to ensure that the plant continues to operate as safely and efficiently as possible. But recently, there has been a growing fringe movement among certain scientists and academics advocating a dangerous educational doctrine that threatens the very fabric of our operation.

They’re trying to teach everyone about radiation.

The doctrine they’re pushing, known as Critical Reactor Theory, is the notion that nuclear power plants, if not properly maintained, can reach uncontrolled supercriticality — a state of runaway nuclear fission chain reactions that can lead to reactor meltdown. The theory claims that nuclear power plants have a long history of such meltdowns, and that even after years of efforts to eliminate them, meltdowns still happen to this day. This extremist dogma has now reached the hallowed halls of our beloved plant, where activists are calling for us to educate employees on the causes of meltdowns and how to prevent radiation from getting out of control.

Well, not on my watch.