I’m the Package You Impulse-Ordered Three Days Ago and No, I’m Not Going to Make You Feel Any Better

From McSweeney’s:

It’s hard being a package. Sometimes we’re out in the cold for a really long time. Sometimes someone puts a bomb in us. Sometimes someone thinks there’s a bomb in us so 90 people in green suits show up and talk to each other on the phone for 11 hours only to discover we’re just a litter of kittens in a duffel bag.

[…]

Back then, packages meant something. Remember that Tuesday your new leggings arrived? Remember how you wore them to the office the next day and Michelle said something backhanded about wearing leggings to work and you spit in her coffee mug when she wasn’t looking and Doug saw you do it and thought it was edgy and cool so he ironically asked you out to coffee and now he’s been your ex-boyfriend for almost 8 years? All traces back to me.