If We Raise the Minimum Wage, What Will Happen to My Gruel Business?

From McSweeney’s:

Democrats’ proposal to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour will be an absolute disaster for small businesses like my own, Gruel & Unusual Foods, Inc., which relies on an impoverished underclass to consume my bland and tasteless sludge because they have literally no other options.

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This country used to care about entrepreneurs. I built my business with nothing but the clothes on my back, hard work, and a slightly smaller gruel business I inherited from my father.

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Maybe the minimum wage hasn’t kept up with inflation. But the solution is not to crush my very specific gruel business by lifting millions of people out of poverty. The solution is something else that doesn’t affect me personally. I’m sure somebody will have an idea any day now.