Hamlet, According to the White House’s Media Team

From McSweeney’s (I am very much enamored with their writing lately):

“We thank you for inquiring after the welfare of the Lady Ophelia. Three days ago, we did have a bit of a scare when she went to gather flowers by the brook and was dunked therein by the breaking of an envious willow-branch. Her clothes spread wide and, for a time, they bore her up, then down a little — ‘twas a critical period — then up again, then down, then up, then she was picking daisies in a distant field three hours earlier. We trust that this has cleared up any confusion.”

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