Just Because I Was Mauled by Velociraptors Doesn’t Mean I Haven’t Done an Excellent Job Handling the Velociraptor Attacks

From McSweeney’s :

Hello, Peter Ludlow here, coming to you from the Isla Nublar Medical Center here at Jurassic Park. As you might’ve heard, on Friday I was mauled by velociraptors while hiking the Raptor Ridge trail along with several other InGen executives. The fact that even our C-suite has been victimized by these sneaky dinosaurs just goes to show how totally unavoidable these attacks are, and why any preventative measures are ultimately futile. And while some have pointed out that no one in our hiking party was masking their scent, and that our CTO had a full beef Wellington tucked away in his backpack, I maintain that enjoying a nice hike while supporting park businesses like the Cretaceous Cafe is well worth the added risk that a sumptuous but also velociraptor-enticing meal poses.

As for the thousands of you who took to social media over the weekend to express your unbridled joy at my misfortune, I simply say: shame on you. Yes, under my leadership, hundreds of park visitors have been viciously mauled by velociraptors, their bony carcasses stripped of flesh, and thrown into a giant pile like crabs at a seafood boil. But that is still not an excuse to poke fun at a man whose actions have literally come back to bite him. That’s why we are actively blocking any users who post negative comments about my predicament on Jurassic Park social media pages. And to those that say it’s hypocritical to ban these people when we were actively retweeting death threats aimed at Dr. Ian Malcolm less than a week ago, I think I speak for most people when I say that anyone who says things like, “Yeah, but if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists” is clearly asking to be cyberbullied.